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Monthly Archives: May 2009

Addition by Subtraction pt. IV

Have you ever seen the TV series 24?  I used to watch it sporadically back 24 gnovels allin the day…but now not so much.  I really wasn’t too terribly keen on the show itself, but I thought that the premise was kinda slick.  For those of you that are not too familiar with the show, I will give you a quick synopsis of it.  The main character, Jack Bower is an agent for a government terrorist unit.  Basically this dude goes around saving the country from terrorist plots…IN 24 HOURS.  The entire show is based on a 24-hour day of events.

Now you know I talk about how my brain works from time to time…I’m not insane…just 070207_extremejob2_hmed_1p.hmediuma little different…hell for all I know, I could be normal (hahaha).  Anywho…I’ve been working quite a few hours this week.  I believe by the end of today I will be upwards of 85.  That is crazy, I know.  Since I’m in the process of helping shut down the operations at my facility, I thought it was only fitting to give you an abbreviated installment of my version of 24.  Now I must warn you…remember my brain gets extremely dysfunctional at times and this is really raw.  At certain times of the day, I just jotted down whatever was on my mind (including words of the cussing persuasion).  So this is me…unedited and raw….

  • 12:08p – Here I am…in my office thinking of a contingency plan.  Am I really ready to subtract?  I really didn’t think leaving my jobclk would be so overly emotional.  I guess the realness has hit…our office is just about empty…I don’t have a damn thing on my wall but my OSU clock.  What makes it even effin worst is that CP is gone for the rest of the day and I am the only one up here in the office.  Maybe if she was still here, I can pass time by running my damn mouth.  Ooh well D.Dew…chalk it up homeboy.  This has been my family for over 7 years.  I spent numerous amounts of hours within/outside the confines and this place with my people here….and I’m losing them.  Indubitably our relationships wont be the same and I feel after we close these doors for good, they will fizzle out eventually (there go that due season stuff again).  It is like waiting for death to come or watch paint dry….terrible!!!
  • 12:50p – How come external factors continue to try to dismantle me.  Confusion is the trick of the enemy…recognize it…address it and overcome it.  Do what you do man!
  • 1:19 – Interesting…I was born at night…but not last night.  Come one crew lets get it together.  Looks like we will be here to close to midnight…damn we started at 7a.
  • 1:37 – Wow, I just took my name plate off my door…that was surreal.
  • 2:20 – Please learn to follow direction…This is not rocket science…at least I thought. 1 + 2 = 3…right?  WTF?!?!?…why did they spot these trailers AFTER I told them NOT to…no capacity…yeah I’m really heated…so dammit heated.
  • 2:42 – Definitely close to F it mode.
  • 3:44 – Very interesting.  But I know what I know.
  • 5:24 – Alls I can say is WOW! Imagine this…anything that can or could go wrong…shit it did.  I compare it to getting kicked in the genitals with a pair of steel toed Stacey Adams (hahaha…that really isn’t a shoe).  My crew is working it out though…gotta love ‘em…Harmless is harmless…no harm…no foul, but make better decisions in the future.  It is looking like midnight really…
  • 7:01 – This day is remarkable.  Midnight is the only option…back at 6a…I dunno.
  • 10:06 – They really don’t understand the severity of this…ugh…what is that smell…I need a shower
  • 11:13 – Yep…hahaha…damn I feel delusional.  I bet this is how dude felt on 1408.
  • 12:49 – Aint no suds on me…aint no suds on me…

Addition by subtraction is definitely stressful.

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Posted by on May 31, 2009 in Me

 

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you get what you got because you do what you did

As I scrambled through my brain, I found it rather hard to come up with a topic to talk about today.  Even as I continue to type I hope that something worthwhile spews out of my fingertips.  I was thinking today about things that are certain…and one thing that is for certain is death…outside of that there is this gray area that we all have the power to control.

In my occupation (and socially) I encounter a gamut of folks.  It is strange because even though we are strangely different…at its core we all strive for the same things…not in any particular order but:

  • Happiness
  • Peace/Tranquility
  • Success
  • Inalienable/Unalienable rights

I can continue to go on, but you get the drift.  We all have dominion over our lives.  What suprises me is that many people on this Earth…or at least many of individuals I have encountered do not understand that they are masters of their own lives….rulers of their destiny’s.  Many people are trapped…bound and shackled due to their own will.  We are by products byproducts of our own insanity.  What I have learned extremely well lately is that…you get what you got because you do what you did…you follow that.  At some point in our lives we can’t use the excuse of…”this is what I’m used to”…or “we’ve always have done things this way”.

Grab life by the horns.  Life is what you make it…

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.- Charles F. Kettering

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2009 in Nothing about Nothing

 

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Sibling Love….

There is nothing I love more in this world than being a father.  This past weekend I spent some quality time with Number 1 and Number 2.  Sitting in the car with these children for an extended period of time is truly hilarious.  My children non-stop crack on each other…with no holds barred.  If you were an outsider…you would really think that they were out of order…but one think I have come to learn…there is nothing like sibling love.  Even though they go at each other…they will not let anyone else come in between them.

We were stuck in traffic for somewhere around 45 mins…and in that short amount of time I heard some of the funniest things ever.  I think that this was spawned from a rule that I had years ago.  I remember when they were growing up…the rule of the house was…if it’s funny you didn’t get in trouble for it.  So I guess that foundation that I laid years ago could have been better.  I dunno…but one thing I do know is that I love being a father….

A bit of advice…never turn your back on a gay superhero. – K.J.Dew

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2009 in My Children

 

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Addition by Subtraction pt. III

yingI think that I am approaching the ying-yang portion of my life.  Many times I have blogged about the internal turmoil that haunts me on a daily basis and I won’t bore you with that yet again….but what I am noticing with each day of my life of the earth (and I just turned 33 two weeks ago) not one thing is getting easier.  A matter of fact, I feel like I am on a constant attack…hell…sometimes I attack myself (I don’t me literally)…but at times I can seem to make decisions that are detrimental to my growth process as a man.  I know at times I can be extremely long winded so I need for you to be patient with me and just walk with me for a minute.  Hopefully I can sum this up all together…if not…I hope I can give you one heck of a story.

I frequent a few social websites on a daily basis.  One facebookis Facebook and another is my high school alumni page.  For those of you that are not really familiar with Facebook…you are able to give this “status updates”…they are these mini thoughts you can post on your profile and your “friends” can comment on them.  Well a few weeks ago I remember posting a status that stated something like this, “Even though I am a man in society’s eyes…I am so immature in His eyes.”  What I mean by that is simply what it says…I am legally grown…and I am accountable for EVERY action I choose to make…BUT I still have so much growing to do in God’s eyes.  I’m still young and dumb…regardless of the age set forth by society.  Okay…back to this ying-yang effect…or affect (grammar police please hold your comments…lol).

As my life progresses, I am making these decisions and with these spilled_milkdecisions…ultimately changes follows.  I have been orchestrating movement in my life and all of it has not been the easiest.  The constant subtraction in my life has not come without its share of backlash.  Some of the backlash is well deserved…some not so much…but hell…it is what it is…the milk as been spilled…no need to cry over it.  Now folks you know that I don’t have a problem sharing the majority of things in my life.  I truly feel that I have been placed on this Earth to be an example to people and in the midst of my dysfunction there might be someone that gets exactly what they need out of my success and pitfalls.  With that being said…I am currently experiencing a major loss or subtraction in my life as we speak.  As of mid-June of I will officially be unemployed.  It was somewhat of a mutual decision made between me and my current company.  As the current state of the economy continues to spiral out of control my company was forced to make some rather tough decisions…and closing my facility was one of them.  I wasn’t completely left in the dark, because I was offered another position…AND I TURNED IT DOWN.  WOW….let me say that again…AND I TURNED IT DOWN.  I simply felt that there is a need for drastic change in my life.  Hence again…another loss…but this on is different from the standpoint I could have prevented this loss…to a certain extent.

I have decided not to work until sometime next year.  I do have some things in the works…but it will all manifest in its due season.  This will be a wild journey…but I am ready for the ride.  I made this decision based on a number of factors.  This knocks off over a year of schooling that I will have to go through…maybe more depending on my pace…It allows me to be spend more time with my children…this is actually the most important reason.  It also allows me to have a change of pace…fresh air…My life has been such a blur for the last three years I don’t remember much of it.  In all actuality I didn’t remember my last two birthdays….literally.

So in the “grand scheme” of things…what I am learning…subtraction isn’t always bad…it is what you make it.  I guess I’ll keep on subtracting until I’m able to add what it needed…..

I don’t need to change ‘em…just turn ‘em inside out. – K.J.Dew

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2009 in Me

 

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addition by subtraction…pt. II

I originally had a different part of this post due to release today, but somewhere in the midst of before it was due to automatically release, I encountered a change of heart and decided to manipulate the direction of the post.

In the grand scheme of this thing called life…there is once constant…that is change.  Whether it comes via evolution or revolution it is like that old Sam Cooke song…A Change is Gonna Come.  Regardless…there is nothing that you can do to stop the process.

Lately I have been wondering…what or where would I currently be if I had chosen a different path in my life.  Of course, we have been granted the commission to make choices in our lives.  Even though our steps are ordered…I believe by our decisions we can alter the direction of those steps…I’m going to back off that for a bit, because it is about to go in a different direction (see what I mean… choices…lol)…It reminds me of the first Matrix movie…you know …the red or blue pill Neo…you live and you learn.

Revisiting this reflection and  addition by subtraction thing I have noticed that I have made some terrible down right awful decisions in my life.  I’m not talking about the one’s that I was naive to the fact…I’m talking about the one’s where I KNEW better and decided to run thru that stop sign.  People say that ignorance is bliss, but that doesn’t allow one to be reckless.  I feel that over the course of my life that He granted me favor…so in turn as long as I repented for my transgression…I could run around the world like I had full coverage car insurance and do whatever the hell I wanted.  Sorry to say…it doesn’t work like that.  I am accountable for EVERYTHING I have done.

As I write this post my mind drifts back to 1983.  I was in 6 going on 7 and that is when my grandfather died.  I remember the scene like it was yesterday.  My mother was getting pressing my sister’s hair…getting her ready for school.  I was getting dressed.  I just had put on my t-shirt and was about to put on my socks and clothes….just then the phone rang.  See you have to understand the dynamic of our house…nobody called this early in the morning…I mean nobody…so of course my mom is wondering who the hell is on the phone.  I answer the phone and it is for her.  She gets up off the couch (my sis was sitting between her legs as my mom pressed her hair) and goes to the phone.  Instantly by her reaction I know that something is wrong.  My parents didn’t say anything to me they just are really emotional.  We continue on about out morning and my parents take me and sis to the bus stop over my aunts house.  Even though they say nothing I know that my grandfather has passed.

Time goes on and I’m at school.  I’m only in first-grade but I am far more mature mentally than all the students in my class.  I learned to read at an early age and by first grade I was reading the newspaper.  So when I my friends talked about GI Joe and Dukes of Hazzards (I knew what they were talking about and I fit into the conversation…I was just different)…I was thinking about what was going on in the world…because I read the paper.  I’m in class and I just breakdown.  See the thing is (and my mother used to say all the time) out of all the grandchildren, I was the favorite.  Maybe because at this point I was the baby…well my brother has just been around for a year or two…but by this time grandad was on some other type stuff.

This was the first major loss in my life.  At this time my father popped in and out of my life so there was still some sort of symbolence of him.  A few years later is when I lost contact with my father until my adult life up until he passed two years ago.

Time went on and I functioned as a normal child…UNTIL…my junior year in high school…this is when one of my BEST friends was murdered in cold blood and when two weeks of that my current girlfriend at the time was forced to abort our baby.  That was a really tough time in my life.  That particular moment in time essentially laid the foundation of the person that I am now…addition by subtraction….

 
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Posted by on May 7, 2009 in Me

 

Addition by Subtraction…pt.I

In a New York minute life has a spectacular way of deviating our original course of action.  As each calendar day flips to the next…nobody iimg_2s truly sure about what is about to happen to him or her.  Over the course of the last few weeks I really haven’t did too much writing.  Not because I didn’t have the time…I think I said it before…I just did not want to.  There have been countless times I have sat in front of my PC just chomping at the bit to burn up the keyboard…but the strangest thing happened each time…as I began to lift my fingers…I was unable to touch a key…it seemed as if I was paralyzed from my wrist to my fingertips.  I couldn’t understand it…I have so much to say, but I have nothing to say (does that make sense).  I couldn’t help but to think…what type of weird writers block is this?  Why can I not put my words down?

It wasn’t that I couldn’t formulate my words…I just didn’t want to write them down…I’m just fatigued…tired of writing about the same thing.  There was some reason why I kept banging my head against the wall on this topic…for weeks I couldn’t figure it out.  After a chat with a good friend of mine it hit me…I don’t wanna hurt anymore.  My topic was about reflection…and I am just so tired of reflecting….

imagesdark

As I thought about it more…I knew that I must be obedient.  It forced me to deal head on with some issues.  I glanced across my life and it has been filled with loss and its many different forms…death, love, financial, educational, professional, etc…I really wondered how I have been able to overcome some of these things.

I never was the one that believed in the old cliché….addition by abacus1subtraction.  I’m really not sure why.  Maybe it was that my mind could not fathom the fact that even though I was taking something away…I remember hearing this phrase when I was very young…and I tried my damnedest to figure it out.  I remember playing with an abacus and moving the pieces from one end to another…it just didn’t make sense.  I slid the pieces one by one…and still my original side has less so how did I have more?

So as I pondered all my life’s situations and dynamics and started to reflect…I noticed a common denominator…addition by subtraction.  Over the course of my life I have twisted, turned, and implemented all these different dynamics…dynamics is my word for situation/relationship…it is like I’m currently at a loss right now…but I’m adding and receiving exactly what is needed.  That is strange to say…how can I be adding but subtracting at the same time.

I sat in office chair just staring at the ceiling…and yes that is actually me in my office.  I was actually counting those p072408163345tine holes in the tiles….crazy, I know…after all these years it finally hit me.  We are constantly trying to improve ourselves.  Whether it is weight loss, addiction, whatever the vice maybe we are trying to extract or subtract that from our lives in order to gain the optimum outcome…so in essence we are adding by subtracting.

Now this addition by subtraction thing…forces me to look at myself now.  I often think am I truly at peace with my inner dynamic?…and if I am…Does it mean anything that at times I re-visit it?  Hell, I truly don’t know.  I look at how am I adding by loosing my wife…how am I adding by loosing my father…how am I adding by loosing valuable friendships in my life.  Tell me how the hell is that possible.  It makes not a iota of sense….but it makes all the sense in the world.  Life is like this ultimate oxymoron and filled with all these exceptions to the norms…and it feels like my life is like the exception to the norm…it is a constant roller coaster…highs and lows…peaks and valleys…it has been like this for so long, I am having some issues dealing with transitioning to becoming “normal”.  My problem is though…what actually constitutes normality?  How do I know I’m living a normal life?  Is it when I get a wife…we raise our family, play with the dog and have this white picket fence?  Believe it or not ladies…men want white-picket fences too.  Is it when each day does not become a chore…no I’m not insane…I just don’t know….It is what it is….

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2009 in Me