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Monthly Archives: November 2008

Please get your mind right

Okay people….how many ways can I say it…I’m sorry….I apologize….my fault….my bad….oops….I KNOW that I was supposed to post a blog yesterday and that was the plan…UNTIL I was thinking fastball and the pitcher threw me a curve ball.  I have so much to talk about today.  This was the plan…I was supposed to write yesterday afternoon and post the blog but I botched badly on the execution of that play.  My creative juices were flowing yesterday and I was in rare form.  So during the duration of the day I jotted down things that were coming to me.  I initially had a blog that I typed up that I wanted to share with you and then I was hit with that proverbial curve ball again.  I really can’t stand that damn pitch!

The more I want to move forward, the more that I keep re-visiting some things in my life.  This is leading me to believe that it is not time for David to move forward.  There has to be something that I need to address and accomplish before I go on to the next chapter of my life.  I mean, when will this sage end….sometimes I feel like this is a never-ending story….like I have two puzzles that someone mixed together and I have to sort them back into two and shift them around to make this beautiful masterpiece.

Tomorrow as we all know is Thanksgiving.  This is the day we sit back and reflect on all that we have been thankful for.  For people like me, it is a day of reflection just to tell God thank you for allowing me to make it to another Thanksgiving Day.  The day will be bitter sweet for me because this was Ronya’s favorite holiday.  Don’t get it twisted, she loved Christmas, but Thanksgiving was her day…she loved to cook for the family.  Last Thanksgiving, she started cooking TWO days ahead.  It was so funny because as most of you know that she didn’t do too much walking at all.  Due to the loss of muscle mass alot of her movement was really hindered.  So she wrote me this gigantic list of stuff to buy.  I remember walking through the store crossing the things off her list.  I went out and purchased her some cutting boards so she could cut the food up right in our bed.  She was just soooo happy to be home for Thanksgiving and to be able to cook.  Actually, I was just thinking the other day…she was so adamant that she be home and be able to cook for the holidays…I now know what that was for….She knew that this was her last Thanksgiving so she wanted it to be special.

Since we were together Thanksgiving had always been over my in-laws house.  Last year she wanted it at our home.  So against my wishes intially I caved and said yes…see the problem is that at that time our apartment was not equipped to hold the volume of people….but somehow it worked out for the good.  I’m extremely happy that I caved.  I remember walking out in the living room and just looking at the smile on my baby’s face as she just laughed and joked with the family….for the life of me I just can not understand why is it that bad things happen to good people.  Why is it?  The more that I type the angrier I get.

You know I have so much dysfunction in my life it is crazy.  Ooh yeah people, David goes through it on a daily…but I am functional…so if you don’t know me you will not have a clue that I have issues.  It is like a drug abuser that hides their addiction.  I don’t know people….maybe I’m just not in the holiday spirit this year.  It is like my joy was ripped away from me…

Anywho, back on track…David has pet peeves.  For those that know me, they tend to call me mean, evil….down right nasty at time.  I think that they confuse that with just being straight forward.  I mean when I am fed up with a situation, I just basically cut it off by the knees…regardless of everyones feelings….does that make it right or make me mean…I can answer that…no and no….that is being real.  Which brings me to my next point….I know that this part of my blog has nothing to do with what I have been writing or have written…it has its own theme.  I have two really, really serious pet peeves….

  • I can’t stand to repeat myself
  • And more importantly I can not stand to deal with things that are not real

See the thing is that your boy…can be ruthless at time….ut ooh…..I think I am writing this as Dew.  At times I can really care less about what the world thinks….I am NOT a conformist…I am a revolutionist…Change comes via two modes…evolution (conform) and revolution (revolt).   I refuse to fall into the stereotypical category of just going long with the program because that is what is always has been….hell to the naw…not me.

Okay…I feel those that conform are not real…they are just adapting to their surroundings like a chameleon.  That is not the true you.  Conformist are usually bitter because they are stuck in a situation that they really do not like…but their mindset is so damn juvenile that they can not rise above what they are accustomed too.  See Dew…I’m not conforming to nothing…won’t do it.  I refuse to lower my standards that I have set for myself and my family.  I refuse to be the bitter brother…sorry not gonna happen.  I’m going stick to my guns and believe in what Dew believes in…..damn being like everybody else.  Dew has to do what is in the best interest of my family.

Conformist will bring you down by any means necessary….they want you to “see” their point of view….and they use any avenue to point explain or defend their point.  People…I just really can not stand for folks to not be genuine…at least let me know where Dew stands so then that way I know.  Do not smile in my face and huddle like a pile of cackling hens behind my back.  Anything Dew will say in the dark….I spit in the light.  I know that this is sounding a little bitchy people….and I apologize…most of ya’ll might think I am doing a Katt Williams and going crazy…naw…all is well…but people just can ruffle you in a way that brings out a ignorant side.  See I chose this forum today as an outlet of my frustrations….so if I am unexpectedly thrust into a certain situation, I have been able to get things off of my chest…..

Okay much better now…back to regularly scheduled programming….

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Posted by on November 26, 2008 in Family, Me, Relationships

 

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Here we go again…

…okay people….David has been winding down from the hustle and bustle of school the past quarter at school.  I have alot to accomplish this afternoon….plus, I’m going to try not to overwhelm you with my blog volume, but when you have been sparked by the writing bug, you just let it kind of lead you….so this afternoon there will be a couple of blogs posted and probably for the next few days.

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2008 in Nothing about Nothing

 

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Not the Cheddar Bay Biscuits…..

I don’t know people….. I couldn’t find a title and I just seen a Red Lobster commerical….man…this therapy this is cool, but this mug is emotionally like that too.  I mean, my therapist makes me face things that I normally would not like too.  I mean just because I used to be a track star…doesn’t mean I still like to run…Okay…some of ya’ll probably are like, “WTF is he talking about?”  What I am saying is that just because I run from my issues, doesn’t mean I like to run from them (and for the record, I was a track star…hahaha).  I’m going to deviate slightly from the next installment of my memoirs (hahaha) to talk about something that was brought to my attention….but I will still hit on some of my Omaha experience.

It was brought to my attention that I can be judgmental and I can make assumptions based on outer appearance.  I clearly think that this is not the truth, but since it was told to me…I want to re-evaluate this.  This is the scenario….I had a friend (whose opinion I value) revisit a post I made from waaaaaay back in June.  What we debated about is how I can make an assumption about this woman.  Okay, if you did not click on the link to the post….stop being lazy and click on it (hahahaha).  Then that way everyone is not subjected to my typical long-winded dissertation.

This was my case…it does not take putting together some sort of formula or theorem to be nice to someone.  Okay, I understand I don’t know everyone’s plight and the issues they are working out…but just to say “hi” to someone in tone that clearly shows that you have some sort of cooth will not hurt.  The rebuttal to my case was that, “where is it etched in stone that someone has to speak to you?” and “it is totally out of line for me to call someone bitter and not know what is really going on in that persons life.”  Alright, I do agree with that…and maybe I was a little harsh with my tone about the lady…but still being nice doesn’t cost a thing and she did look like she had the BG face.  I really don’t know how to dignify this with a response.  People…please tell ya boy…am I missing it?  Am I wrong?  Yes, this woman did seem to be bitter….and her reaction to me was totally uncalled for.  Since then, I have seen here several times.  She works at a store in the mall….and when I went into that store she made sure that she spoke in a polite tone…Getoutta here…nut un…sorry…It is not hard to be nice to someone. Feel free to chime on on this one people.

I really don’t know if I should start on Omaha or not.  I mean we would be here for a minute and my hands feel like they are starting to develop carpal-tunnel.  Oh I know, I haven’t given you an update on #1 and #2 lately.  #1 has been just himself….nothing has changed with that dude….he got suspended for two days this week….I kind of felt like it was an unjust decision, but he should’ve put himself in a situation like that in the first place….every action has a reaction and usually the second person is always caught….remember that people.  #1 had a presentation yesterday in front of the school board.  She was chosen to represent her school at the meeting.  She decided to sing a solo….well I knew that she could sing a bit….because she sings in the choir at church…but my baby grabbed that mic and put it down.  It was really emotional because I could tell that she was singing for her mom.  I could her her voice crack as she tried to hold it together.  I was in the back of the meeting room trying to fight back the tears because I could feel baby girl’s pain.  I dunno people…they say time heals all wounds….but man….

Alight…sorry to get off track, but I will be back tomorrow….

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2008 in Family, Me, My Children, Nothing about Nothing

 

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Your next-day carrier….

…picking up where I left off yesterday…hmmm…let’s see.  Have you ever just feel like you carry the weight of the free-world on your shoulders?  That is how I feel at times….I sometimes feel like your hybrid_07_lrgneighborhood Fed Ex driver providing next-day service for everyone in my life.  I have an extremely demanding life.  I can’t complain at all, because I put most of the pressure on myself.  I just had a friend tell me this past weekend as we were watching football…”you have to go through something in order to get what is in store for you.”  I believe this to be so true.  As I look back through this muddy off-road terrain called “my life”, I can’t but help to wonder about the culmination of it all.  I’m anxious like children on Christmas Eve.

Okay…as I get back on track to talk about what I’ve been talking about…I realized that I have a real commitment issue.  Every since Ronya passed, everytime something gets close to me…I drive it away…it really doesn’t matter what it is…it could be something as delicate as a friend…or as simple as a pet….I am pushing everybody away.  I think Ronya passing has alot to do with it, but also those other f’d up circumstances that has seeped into my life.

My close friend shot me an email today and I didn’t get a chance to respond to him because my workload has been off the chain this week and will continue into next week.  This is an excerpt from our email.  I’m sure he won’t mind that I posted this, but this is EXACTLY how I feel presently….

Do you ever just feel like you are cursed? Like God is playing some cruel joke on you to make you pay for something either you did…or your parents or someone else in your family? Maybe I am just in a funk, but I find myself so freaken angry sometimes.

Those are some powerful words right there.  I mean does anyone else feel like this?  I refuse to believe that we are the only people feeling like this.  I looked back today on my life and just thought about shit (excuse me…but I told you that it would be raw).  After Brenda had that abortion, and as I ran through women…sometimes I felt like I wished my mom would have regurgitated me back into her womb so I can start all over.  I was so disgusted with myself and how I would handle others….but I couldn’t stop.  I HATED (that was then) my biological father.  I remember when I lived in Omaha and I came back to the city for my grandmother’s funeral.  I was talking with two of my girl cousins and they told me that they seen my biological at some sort of function….I told them point blank, “not to talk to me about his dead-beat ass….if he was to die today, I would piss on his grave”…ooh yeah…I was gonna Robert Kelly that dude….but that was then.

Therapy brings out the best and worst of you…I’m telling you…if you decide to go see a shrink…you better be prepared…I’m telling you…I guarantee after that first session you would be like, “WTF???”  As I grew older my internal unhappiness was highlighted by external bullsh!t.  I used to perpetuate a fraud like I had it all together…but it was like I was lit on fire from the inside….I just remember thinking…damn that Brenda…and her mom…damn my parents…and that ignorant sperm donor of mine….but that was then.  I’m growing people….I’m starting to get it right…at least I think…and by the way…who the hell determines what is actually right….who knows….

Man, living in Omaha also shaped the beast that is before you.  Being a young, black educated male in Omaha was definitely a life altering experience.  Omaha is the mecca of the best and worst of times for your boy.  Even though I was only there five short years…I left a mark on that county bumpkin city.  In Omaha…that is where my life changed…..

I’ll leave you with this and I’ll talk tomorrow…


 
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Posted by on November 19, 2008 in Family, Me, Relationships

 

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So did you record it???

….again I have to apologize for the inconsistency of my writings.  I don’t do these things intentionally.  I was just speaking to a good friend of mine this morning and I told them that I just straight crashed last night.  My body is like in shutdown mode.  I really feel like I need a body detox.  I have been literally going non-stop for over two years and really this last year and a half hclickposteras been on fast forward.  Have you ever seen the movie Click?  That is how I feel.  Like somethings have been just on fast forward mode.  I have only ONE final left….it is kind of easy too.  After this I will be done with everything until January 5….that is the start of Winter quarter.  I think your boy is going to take this weekend to shut off the phone, kick my feet up…watch my Buckeyes smack michigan and detox.  Ooh I forgot the disclaimer….my regular readers know this, but if you are new to this…I do not proofread my work….it is what it is…real and raw…

Anywho, back to our regularly scheduled programming.  When last I left you I was talking about how my dealt my first blow, which led to some delinquencies and definitely the dysfunction in my life.  See the thing is people (and this could sound like i’m off again) that when you are called to do great things, there is a bounty by the enemy set out for you….so that is why I think I have lived my life the way I have.  Another friend of mine told me recently that she, “don’t have a clue with how you got through life acting the way that you do”….initially I was taken back by the statement, but a few days later I re-visited that statement….and she was ABSOLUTELY right.  How and the hell did David get through life with this mentality.  When I sat back and evaluated my life as a whole, I realized that my life was one big ass boobie trap…that folks set me up for failure….how did they do that….by catering to my every need.  See people….I have never really had to work much to get things…stuff has always came easy….which actually became a hindrance as I became older.  I think that the enemy provided me with this trap door to walk over and I have been treading over it lightly.  He was really waiting for me to put my entire weight down and fall through it….That is why women have always came easy…work, school, sports…whatever….it was just easy.  I never had to really put in work, which this actually blinding me…allowing me not to reach my full potential.  Okay…I’ll re-visit this later…

Alright now…back to the story….lets call my teenage girlfriend Brenda.  Since Brenda and I crafted that tangled web way back yonder, I think that was the genesis of me and my stance towards women and selfishness.  After Brenda had this abortion, I really became angry at all women.  I really didn’t intend too, but I was never given a proper outlet to vent my frustrations and most importantly the pain.  I didn’t talk about it….my people just kind of swept it under the rug like the crazy uncle nobody wantspider_man_3_maguire2s to admit they have…..you know the uncle that walks around on Thanksgiving with a football helmet and a little league chest protector and flip flops….it was like it was just another event in our lives and that was not the damnit case.  That was MY child as well….so I bottled up all that pain and instead of channeling it for the good, it was like I started to create this venom plagued persona.  From that point…it was about David and nobody else.  David became a womanizer, selfish, egotistical S.O.B.  I could give a damn about what others thought.  I mean how could something like this happen to me.  I was somewhat the typical all-american kids.  I got great grades….I was in the top 20 students in my class….I was getting recruited by several major colleges around the country to play football and double in track as well….I stayed out of trouble….I didn’t drink or smoke (at least until up to this)….everybody loved David.  This is when I let outside influences iinto my like…I was introduced to marijuana and alcohol….boy….it was a wrap then.

I used a combination of women, alcohol and weed to fuel my fire…even though folks around me couldn’t tell (I did a great job at masking it) I was in so much pain.  I blamed EVERY woman on this planet for what happened to me.  It was like David’s feelings didn’t even f’n matter.  How can some of the most important people in my life, make decisions for me and NOT even give a damn about how I felt….I really blamed women…my mother, Brenda’s mother….and Brenda (her just to a certain extent).  I vowed that I would never care about another woman…and they would be to me…what they will be….a f’n blip on the radar (sorry about that one ladies).  Over time, I did women extremely wrong…from sex to material possessions….I just didn’t give a damn.  The thing that gets me though is that I knew it, but I didn’t give a damn.  In my eyes…all women were the same.  See parents…its a lesson to be learned here…if we don’t really pay attention to our children and meet all of their needs…WE WILL SCAR THEM FOR LIFE!!!!!! That is why it is imperative to take the time and talk to your children….get to know them…become friends as well as parents to them.  You never know the magnitude of what your child is going though until it is too late.  Your child’s unhappiness can reach many people and cause a ripple in that person’s life as well.

I think this is enough for today…old wounds boy….whew

David

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2008 in Family, Me, Relationships

 

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did you think that i forgot??

….well I did not forget about you guys.  I had several people contact me about continuing my last post.  I had two finals, two test and an excerise for two of my class this weekend, so I was unable to post the next installment of  Two Wrongs….don’t sweat….I have a small paper I have to write today for my business class and then I will post the next one shortly after that sometime today….so just check back occasionally….

David

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2008 in Family, Me, Relationships

 

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Does Two Wrongs Not Make a Right???

I kind of debated on writing some of the details in this particular post.  As most of my regular readers know, this avenue of blogging is extremely therapeutic to me.  So today I wanted to reveal some things about myself that I have not.  I was cautious because I really am a guarded person.  Even though sometimes I portray myself as candid and honest (which I am)…but I am just as guarded, because my business is my business…but if I truly want to touch the masses it is pertinent that I be transparent and completely honest about things.  This way we have a healthy and functional relationship.  If you as a reader can empathize and relate to certain aspects of my life, I can potentially help someone that might be going through a similar storm.  I really don’t know the complete direction of this post or even the structure, but I will be honest about something’s and prayerfully I am able to touch someone out here.  I will be precise with this post and brutally straight forward.  I might be vulgar (which I do not mean to do) and explicit…but most importantly I will be real…and you know I do not proofread my work…so….hahahaha….

I won’t bore you with all of my background.  Most of you know the trial that my family and I are experiencing at this moment with the loss of my wife.  For the life of me I can’t understand why I started to use this word loss when speaking about Ronya.  That is one thing that really pissed me off about people when she first passed.  I couldn’t damnit stand for people the utter the words…”sorry for your loss”….and you know what even really added to my level of pissed-of-isness (hahaha) is when people would say…”sorry about you lost” and email or send me some type of message.  Okay folks…I know that you were just saying the “politically correct “ thing…but “lost” and “loss” applies to football games and keys…not a damnit person…you don’t “lost” a person.  How ignorant is that.  America really needs to re-evaluate its educational system.  How can grown ass people be so vocally challenged? I dunno….maybe it is the George Dubbya affect.  Who knows?  Just the shear volume of times I have heard this phrase really makes me re-visit a place deep inside and also makes me want to toss this monitor to freakin Jupiter (okay…maybe that is a tab bit harsh…but just feel me for a sec).

Anywho, after she passed away earlier this year I started grief counseling somewhat there after.  Let me tell you this…and you really might think that I am off after this one, but I was re-assured today that I am good…I went to lunch like I typically do and I was going to get me some BBQ chicken and a small salad.  I saw this couple with child and they seemed to be really happy…Yeah….this might not be right, but as they smiled I just imagined putting my size 12 Timberland right up the ass-crack of both the man and woman and shot putting them through the window.  I just put down my food, walked out of the store, went back to work and immediately started to look for help in the form of some type of counseling.  After doing a little research, I decided to attend grief counselor at the local Hospice.  Okay…lemme preface this by saying that I DID NOT know anything about psychiatric help and was actually kind of embarrassed asking for help, so I just called the number and set up a session.  Alright…I had a few sessions with the micro minny pimp looking dude…honestly dude is the same height as my daughter….like 5 feet…I mean I am not tall…5’8 ½”…5’9” with some Tims on….so I have no room to talk…but I was look down on this cat like I was Shaq and he was Mini Me…The first session was cool…I mean it was kind of weird because he had a Mr. Roger’s like quality to himself….and I really didn’t feel too comfortable with the gayness of the sweater vest that he was wearing.  He looked like a fluffy version of Jim Tressel (the Ohio State football coach).  I mean this entire session was soft….I mean it had a Steel Magnolia’s feel to it. After a few more sessions I decided that Mr. Roger’s was not for me and I would just be cool on the talking to a doctor thing.

See the thing is…I was placed on this earth to do some great things.  My name is David for a reason.  David was a powerful man in the bible….but he had his downfalls…needless to say though….David was a man after God’s heart.  When I say that I am here to do some great things…I truly believe that.  I’m talking about on a global scale.  One day you will be able to look back on these blogs and be like…I knew that dude when he had some serious issues…(hahahaha).  I know that the Lord has allowed so much pain and heartbreak to come into my life for some reason.  I realized this calling years ago.  I was reflecting on all the pain and stress that my chubby self has encountered and I know that this was not done in vain.  God does not have moments of vanity.

Pain has been something that I have always been associated with.  As a young child my biological father basically abandoned me and really did not do much for me and my mother.  It was my step-father (who I acknowledge as my father) that molded me into the man that stands before you today.  Pain….hmmm….I sit now and thank God for all the pain that I have experienced over the years…It has helped me to develop fortitude and perseverance.  The pain has motivated me like no other.  The abandonment of a child (especially a boy) by his father is so life shattering.  I guess father’s that do not raise their children have no clue of the damage that they are doing to their children.  I come back to this topic….but I will stay on pain… I said that they post today will be candid…I will leave you with this snippet of my life and will pick back up tomorrow.  This is my blog and I can write however I please…(hahahah)….just playing…but I have to do so studying.

When I was 16 years old, I got my girlfriend pregnant.  She was nothing but 15 herself at the time.  We first decided that we would wait to tell our parents.  I mean…I was a star athlete in the community and she was pretty smart herself…but I guess we were both dumb enough to allow her to get pregnant…go figure…I fell victim to the booty.  She decided at some crazy hour in the night…WITHOUT warning to tell her mother…I mean WTF???  Seriously…I felt like she backed me in a corner.  Long story short our parents found out…and her mother forced her to abort my baby…which really pissed me off.  To this day….I am f’d up off of the situation.  I really feel like that situation was the catalyst to most of the f’d up decision that I have made in my life.  My parents did not want this to happen.  They even offered to raise the baby…just sign the right over…nope…nada…hell naw…that shit didn’t happen.  And the most f’d up thing about the situation is that I was there at the abortion clinic….ugh…okay…

I think after therapy and writing this…is enough for today….I’ll pickup tomorrow….

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2008 in Family, Me, Nothing about Nothing, Relationships

 

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