Addition by Subtraction…

Like usual folks when the mood hits me to write I’m generally at some different type of emotional state. I’ve said it countless times…I’m most definitely an emotional being. Unless its academically influenced its extremely difficult for me in this season of my life to just have at it and write…not sure where down the line that happened…but I figure while this season is in session im gonna roll with it. For me the past few days have been somewhat emotionally draining…but that’s my life and I’ve learned how to adjust to these days…AND NO I’m not bipolar or mentally unstable…I have all my marbles and my elevator goes all the way up to the top floor…but these are the life and times of  David Dew Sr.

Chance…one thing is for certain and another is definite…absolutely nothing happens by chance and there is a rhyme, reason and purpose for everything under the sun.
Funny how purpose reveals itself…I was walking through the store tonight and I started to think about my life…when I was hit with the motivation I assumed that this would be another reflection post…in a way it is but slightly shifted a bit…Addition by Subtraction, I thought I was done with this series but…

Life…is full of unexpected twist and turns and its our job to navigate through these obstacles with grace and diligence. I believe I’m gonna be transparency for a sec or so. Somebody once told me…”Dew you didn’t ask to to through what you’ve been through.” That’s a true statement. For the vast majority of us…we never ask for what we go through…but that event…situation…person or whatever it may be has purpose in your life. Even if we don’t initially see it…or understand why…that purpose was on purpose to serve its purpose.  Think about that for a second and I will come back to it.

Transparent…I remember after Ronya died there was a point in time where I had to focus…looking back now I really don’t believe it was focus…I was in shock. There were certain things I needed to do that was critical for the survival of my family. It was pertinent that I have tunnel vision. If I hadn’t only God knows where we would’ve been if I didn’t. Then it happened…the calm…the idleness after the storm. I was forced to address issues. Reality at times can be a harsh teacher. I can remember the week after she passed, we had a routine…I would leave church, walk in the parking lot, call her at the hospital and ask what she wanted to eat…every single Sunday I did that. So now service is over…I walk to the lot and pull out my phone to call her…and then it hit me…she’s gone. WOW…what do you do…I’m literally standing in the middle of the lot with a phone in my hand not knowing my next move…IN LIFE. Reality bites! Humans are creatures of habit…my routine is broken…what do I do? My wife was an enormous part of my life. Time…what’s gonna occupy that time now? Where do I go? How do you continue? Can I even get there?

Purpose…everything has purpose. There was a point in time I didn’t wanna be here. I just wanted die. No I wasn’t suicidal…but I just wanted to be gone. I went from this vibrant person…full of personality…to not caring. I managed my department at work. I stopped brushing my hair…I would wear a uniform to work didn’t matter if it was clean or dirty…I would wear these old beat to Hell Timberland boots to work with no shoestrings. I went to work late…it was a chore to get out of bed. When I got to work I would just go straight to my office and shut the door. I can remember taking lunch for 2-3 hours…I could care less. If it wasn’t for my three children I probably would have melted into obscurity. It was them that I now lived for…I no longer lived for myself…true story. If it wasn’t for them…I don’t think I would be here writing this blog. My children served a purpose in my life. They were the catalyst that rekindled my flame.

Obstacles…life is filled with them. Adversity comes via many means. What does one do when the obstacle comes…does one fight or flee? Is it what’s for me will be for me? Move…stay still…move while standing still? When these “barrier” moments arrive one presses. You see that obstacle has purpose. The problem is we focus so hard on the obstacle to we actually trip right over it. The focus should not be the obstacle…but what comes after we overcome the barrier. Watch me now…

Addition by subtraction…I had to go through that purpose in my life to serve my purpose. Ronya was a purpose…she completed her work on this earth. When I STOPPED focusing on what I no longer had (subtraction) God provided me with a series of  beautiful people in my life (addition). He gave me a second lease on life. I went through the purpose to become a better man…to become a better husband…to become a better father…to walk in my destiny. So when I marry this time…I won’t be tripped by the same obstacles.

Where am I going with this…FAITH. Before one can truly overcome an obstacle, one first must believe. One must have FAITH. See the thing is…I could not prosper because my focus was on my situation…not my solution. My solution resided in the Lord. Once I placed my FAITH in Him I was able to overcome….Isaiah 53: 4-5… 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 5But he was wounded for our otransgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Why I drink all my Frapaccino….

…waiting for an available computer at school?  That really sucks!  The library today is busting out of the seams.  It always seems to be this way the first few weeks of the quarter…then one of two things happen to slow down the frantic activity…either folks stop coming out in the weather or they drop classes after they get their financial aid refunds.  Real talk…that’s what they do.  It’s rather comical because the day after refunds are issused you see new laptops…clothes…shoes…purses…I’m not being  judgmental…but it is what it is.  Let me get on track to what I was originally supposed to be talking about.

Today is January 11, 2010…I feel kinda cheated…I remember growing up and watching the Jetsons.  By this time we were supposed to be having flying cars and housekeepers named Rosie.  I was supposed to be able have an apartment in the sky and a rocket launcher backpack…boy I feel robbed!  On a more serious note…this day is extremely significant because this is the first day of weightlifting for the upcoming football season at the high school I coach at.  What sets it apart even more is that my son is actually starting lifting today with the team.  Even though he is only in the 8th grade, he is allowed to participate.  This gives him a tremendous head start on any other incoming freshman.  If you parlay his experience this past football season (him coming to every practice and game) he will be light years ahead. 

This thought process brings me to this…where does the time go?  I can remember his mother on the delivery table giving birth to him over thirteen years ago…wow!  Now here we are on the verge of high school and I get the opportunity to coach my son on a higher level of football…on the varsity level.  It is surreal.  It is always the smallest of things that seem to choke me up.  Looking back I couldn’t imagine that this day would come.  All I can do is just shake my head!!! I can’t wait until the first time I hear his name over the PA getting recognized for a play…talking about a proud poppa!

Time…it flies…it is relentless in its progression.  Time is not negligent in nature…time does not have time to peak in its rear view mirror to see who is trailing behind.  Time is one thing you can NEVER get back.  As the seconds turn to minutes…which transforms to hours…which morphs to days…which ultimately becomes an eternity it’s gonna be consistent in its ever-changing demeanor.  Which brings me to this tri-fold question….WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR TIME…HOW DO YOU CHOOSE TO SPEND YOUR TIME…ARE YOU GONNA CONTINUE TO LET TIME PASS YOU BY?

Know that one day time will catch you…when it comes will you be ready?

“Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.”

808′s and Heartbreaks

Yesterday was a very eventful day for me…it was filled with what I like to call 808’s and heartbreaks (ironically that is the name of Kanye West’s  last CD).  808’s and heartbreaks is a title I use for an emotional day for me.  I guess to keep it simple…it means ups and downs…you know an emotional roller coaster.  I’m telling you…I had a internal battle of epic proportions yesterday.  I told a friend of mine yesterday it was like a spiritual slugfest and the home team was spent at the end of the night.

Sunday was a ginormous (gigantic and enormous) day for #2.  I know…I know…I haven’t talked about #1 and #2 in quite sometime and there is a reason behind that (which I will talk about hopefully sometime in the future).  My church had its annual youth choir concert yesterday and #2 was chosen to render the first selection.  When she told me that…I already knew that it was going to be bad business for me.  When it comes to church and both my children…I am really a big ol softy (in a masculine sort of way…lemme clear that up…lol). Anywho…I got to the concert right before the choir started to march in and #2 was right at the door, so I got the chance to give her a big hug before her moment.

I found me a seat…well it really wasn’t hard because our church seats several hundred people on a given Sunday and I estimate the audience at a few hundred  or so (give or take a hundred…lol).  #1 was with me so he spotted my in-laws and he went to go sit where they were.  As I started to get comfortable in my seat a few people came up to me to speak because I haven’t been at church in a few weeks (that is a topic for another day).  Finally, I get a tap on my shoulder and it is another one of my church family members and she asked me if I need some tissue, because she knows I’m going to boo who.  Which I in turn told her to get them ready.  For those that don’t know…at church I cry (and #1 talked about that yesterday too)…some folks shout…some folks stand…some folks are internal…me when I am moved…I cry. 

We had our devotion period and finally the choir is marching in.  I really can’t spot #2 because of how I am seated, but finally I get a glance of her when they are almost in the choir stand.  It’s maybe 50 youth in the choir. As they are sing their processional song…I’m just kinda chilling…feeling the moment.  Finally they finish (and it was awesome)…and the master of ceremony gets everyone fired up.  They get ready for the first selection and baby girl is making her way to the microphone.  I promise folks…I started crying even BEFORE she touched the mic.  You can tell that she was initially nervous, but her voice radiated through my entire body and I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I thought about Ronya and how she would feel if she was here listening to #2 sing.  I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the edifice because many of them knew our story.  She finished and I had to walk out of the sanctuary to get some fresh air…I was just so emotional.  I didn’t stay for the entire concert…just the first segment of selections because I had to get home and finish a project that was due at midnight…but I was so happy and so sad at the same moment. 

It was funny because as soon as #1 and I got in the car he started to talk about me.  He said the moment  #2 walked towards the mic…everybody turned and looked at me (I didn’t even notice) and he just shook his head because I was crying already…he asked me why.  I simply told him, “Son, that is my baby girl…you are my boy, I cry because I love ya’ll…I cry because ya’ll are a reflection of me…I cry because at that moment I realize that I am doing something right…I cry because I am a PROUD papa.”

All of this got me to thinking about 808’s and heartbreaks.  How do we check our emotions…you know control them in a fashion were as we can still function?  I don’t know if I have the answer to and I actually love 808’s and heartbreak.  It is a double-edged sword.  All sun and no rain makes for a desert.  Be blessed all.

Father’s Day….after the show…

…I wrote this to my father and I planned on releasing it on Father’s Day…but the interesting thing is that something hit me…I knew that the web would be saturated with Father’s Day this…that and another…so I decided to write to my father separately…kinda to set him apart…

Dad…

I know you are not here physically on this Earth to read this, but for some peculiar reason I know that you are peeking down reading this as I type.  It has been slightly over two years since you took your last breath.  You know…I never thought in a million years that I would EVER feel the way I do about you.  You have been the source of so much pain to me.  At one point in my life, I wished that I would never cross paths with your again.  I resented the fact that I came from you.  For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why things went sour between us…but over the course of time I have come to understand that I must go through things to achieve what’s in store for me.

For years, I wanted to be so bitter and angry towards you…and for the most part I succeeded, even after I told you that I forgave you…but the strangest thing happened to me…through all my pain…hurt…frustration and heartache…I began to understand that you were a man and you made mistakes.  I understood the fact that you could not make up for lost time.  I knew that all we could do is move forward from the point your re-introduced yourself to me.

The thing is dad…I do love you…I always had…and even that you are gone…I always will.  First I must apologize to you for the feelings I had towards you.  I know that even though I was angry…they still were inappropriate.  It saddens me that it takes for you to be gone two years before I can say this to you.  Even though I might feel that you didn’t go about things that correct way…I thank you for the life you have given me.  I thank you for the things that you did teach me. 

I don’t think I have ever said this…but Happy Father’s Day Dad….I do love you…until me meet again.

If i had more hair…i would pull it out!!

It has been two weeks to the day since my last post.  Even though I have written several posts, I haven’t had the desire to release any of them (I guess that is part of my dysfunction rearing its ugly head). You know that it is just a time and place for everything…not that I have all these jar-dropping, earth-shattering revelations…but timing is everything…so I decided to scale back on these.  Now, you know that I was not ignoring you…I was working the kinks out.

I’ve really been working on the character development on this novel…I know that once I nail them…the sky is the limit…I have went back to the drawing board a few times on it…but I now know the true direction of them. I can’t wait to share it with you.

Life as a single-father has been what it is…ROUGH…I mean I am handling it…so I don’t complain…What is it that they say…women have done it for years…so that doesn’t make me any different…adapt and adjust…dealing with my #1 and #2…can be a challenge…and ooh yeah…they love to test me.  They know I’m like a big ‘ol dog…I bark a whole lot…but at the end of the I rarely do anything.  I think they are accustomed to it and play chicken with me (with them usually winning). I bet in the back of their devious minds they are cracking up at my expense (hell I laugh at myself at times too).

I have alot on my mind…one thing I am learning…a tiger can’t change its stripes…and I have had somethings from my past fall out of the closet…ooh boy did it…but that is a story for another day…I have much to share…so little time…talk later…

a competitive balance….

…I was sitting here this morning thinking…well it actually started last week…anywho whenever it was I was thinking about passion compared to occupation…how we get so consumed with our occupations…we forget about what our true passion.  Im convinced that to achieve total blissfulness it is imperative to have a competitive balance of passion and occupation…I call it the “smiles and cries” theory.

I like my job…but I love my co-workers…my job pays my bills and allows me the oppurtunity to do other things…but my job is completely different than my passion…My occupation by day is a Logistics Manager…but I double as student as well …but my passion is working with children (coaching and mentoring)…spending time with my children…writing and most importantly serving God.  As my mind started to churn I thought about my purpose in life and how to achieve this competitive balance…and even though I believe I have most of the answer…Im unsure about this one…people tell me…how do we create that competitive balance???  Maybe this might help me with all of this dysfunction Im experiencing.

He uses the little things…

…to get your attention.  I sometimes sit in amazement of this little things that God does to get our attention and show us how miniscule certain things are.  Us as adults…. we seem to elevate circumstances to levels that is beyond comprehension.  We lend credence to things that are not even important as we initially thought.

Last night I was not at home and #1 and #2 was at home with Kev.  Out of the blue…#2 shoots me a text message saying, “I miss u and mommy I am trying to stay strong till u get home.”  People you don’t understand how that broke my heart.  This is my 10-year old baby girl and she is trying to stay strong for our family…people sometimes what we think is important actually isn’t.  Maybe we need to assume the personality of children every so often….people slight children and don’t give their mental and emotional capacity the credit it deserves…yeah right…you can’t tell me that children can’t be pillars.

Every now and then we as adults should assume the resiliency of our children….

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up. – Booker T. Washington

T-minus seven days…..

….and counting to Christmas….and your boy is really dragging his feet.  I haven’t even remotely decided what I’m going to get everybody.  I normally go to the mall on the 23rd and 24th each year…grab me a drink…sit on the benches throughout the mall and just laugh at everyone as they walk around like a chicken with their heads cutoff.  This year I guess I’m going to be one of those chickens.  Shopping for #1 and 2 is fairly simple…even though they are merely 12 and 10…they don’t play with toys…strictly electronics and clothes….#1 been showing out, so that might make things even easier.

I really can’t say that I am looking forward to Christmas…just not in the festive mood…not lights up at the house…no tree…not a hint of Christmas.  The other day I woke up in the middle of the night (2:30a) and went to the fridge to get something to drink….like usual #1 had drunk up everything in the house…so at this point it was like…have a Corona…hmm sounds good, but I’ll pass…drink water…nada….or go to the store to get some juice or soda…ding ding ding….so Kev and I went to the store on a soda chase.  As I was walking out of the door, I noticed that there was alot of ice on the ground.  Earlier in the day…the city was hit with a real bad bout of freezing rain…and it was coats of ice EVERYWHERE…I’m looking at the frozen grass and all I could think of is this time last year…Ronya was in a rehabilitation center and taking her outside in her wheelchair through the grass just so she could get out of the room…I had a flashback and just told Kev about how much I miss that woman.

Speaking of her…I miss her so much…but you know what…I am okay…I have came to the realization that I can still miss her and continue to progress with my life.  I know that she is up above just laughing at all my dysfunction…saying to herself…”I told that dude…he ain’t gonna never change!”…hahahaha….

Back to this Christmas thing….I’m thinking about making an appearance at the family shin-dig…not a big one because I truly don’t want to be bothered…so the home team will play our position and chill… I look forward to Celtics dismantling the Lakers for Christmas.  Maybe the closer I get, the better I will feel…only time will tell…I still will hit the mall, because this is the season you see some of the craziest things…maybe I’ll go out in disguise so folks won’t bother me…

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.- Calvin Coolidge

Count your blessings

Today people I really don’t have any profound move the earth words…I had a blog in the can that I was going to post today, but I decided not to.  I was sitting at my desk finishing up a few things that need to be completed by EOB today and I started to think….we as people really work ourselves up over things that we can’t control….sometimes if we just give up control things will fall into place.

As I sat I started to think about everything in my life…I just started to generalize everything….and what I found out is that we worry too much.  Worrying cuts off precious minutes of your life.  I don’t know…maybe I’m kind of sentimental because of the holiday season…I just am not really to festive….I haven’t even started any shopping and Christmas is a mere two weeks away.  I don’t know…I was really thinking about boycotting Christmas and just celebrating its true purpose….but then I thought that it would be extremely hard on my children.

You know ya’ll…it is people out there dying to be able to go through the things that I go through…because they have nothing….literally….as my windshield started to defrost this morning and I prayed all I could think about were those individuals are are homeless and don’t have any sanctuary….or home…or vehicle to go to…how can I be upset that I don’t have that million dollar dream home when I live an a very nice place…how can I complain about wanting navigation in my car when there are folks that don’t even have a bicycle….how can I complain about the food not being what I want…when there are folks that literally have nothing to eat….the list is endless….I say all that to say people…count your blessings and take nothing for granted….

Have a great weekend.  God Bless…

Thanksgiving Weekend Massacare part II

Man…man…man…I finally get an opportunity to sit and type of this post.  I had to force myself to make some time for you.  Again, I have to apologize for my brief blog sabbatical.  Sometimes things just come out of the woodwork that I just don’t have any control over….so thank you for being patient and again here is another installment of my dysfunctional life.

I knew that Thanksgivng was going to be that one holiday.  As I explained before, it was Ronya’s favorite holiday.  Thanksgiving dinner was initially supposed to be over my mother-in-laws house.  I really didn’t want to be bothered with anyone (not that I don’t like them)…I just wanted to spend the majority of the day alone.  I woke up Thursday morning with that “blah” feeling.  I just knew what the day would be.  My phone ended up ringing fairly early….it was one of my friends….well he was one of the best men in my wedding and a real close friend back in the day.  Lately we just have slightly grew apart…I just think as you get older…your focus shifts a tad bit….don’t get it twisted I still have mad love for my dude, but we just really don’t kick it like we used to….plus he is a Benedict Arnold…..he committed the ultimate act of blasphemy….he is from OHIO and is a michigan fan…enough said….but anywho…he calls to check on me.  I told him that all was cool (but it really wasn’t) and I was going out to the cemetery to visit Ronya.  He asked could he meet me there and I agreed that it would be cool….he called our other friend….they both were actually the best men in our wedding….so we met and went to the cemetery along with my adopted son Kev (I’ll talk about him on another post) and we just talked at the grave-site for about a hour or so…crying…laughing…just reminiscing over somethings….that was actually refreshing….I know that she was so proud and happy to see us all there together.

I talked to #2 before leaving to go see Ronya…for those of you that do not know who #2 is….that is my baby girl…she is 10.  I told her my plans for today….and I probably wasn’t going to come over for Thanksgiving….let me backup here…since Thanksgiving break my baby girl has been over her nana’s house just to help with dinner….and probably get a break from me.  I told her that daddy was going to go visit mommy and I would probably not be over for dinner…see what happened was I got pump-faked….dinner was supposed to be at one place…then at the last minute it was moved somewhere else with more folks.  If it was just the immediate fam…then I was good…but when other folks got involved I wasn’t feeling that…because I KNOW people and they say some of the stupidest things.  Folks sometimes do no think things through before they open up their pie-hole (and that did happen…tell you in a minute).  I sensed the disappointment in baby girl’s voice, but she was okay…#1 was over his moms…since break he was incognito too.

So I spent the bulk of my day sleeping and watching football on the couch with Sasha (my dog).  I got up during the Cowboy’s game and fried me two porkchops…those mugs were good too….had a few drinks of Patron and I was straight.  See let me tell you how inconsiderate folks were….all day I got those Happy Thanksgiving Day text…..literally after like the 15th one…I just went the heck off….I really don’t understand folks thought process sometimes….Everyone….I mean EVERYONE that I deal with knows how I am….and they really just didn’t seem to care….at least that is how it came off….

Finally about 8 or so, I went to pick Kev up from work and we decided to hit the city….to those of you that don’t know…I kind of live in the suburbs….well not booshie ‘burbs….but not the city.  Most of the people I deal with are in the city.  Kev and I decided to go over one of my friends house….it was cool…but it was alot of folks…and my mindset to deal with folks like that on an intimate level was not right.  I needed to be somewhere that I can invoke the 10 foot rule….which is back the heck up 10 feet out of my personal space.  Remember I told you that someone was going to say something dumb….well yep…it happened there….and I was like on an island and nobody came to my rescue.  Here is this woman that I DO NOT know in my face asking me personal DETAILED questions about what happened to Ronya…that bad thing about it is that….the people that knew what was up HEARD her and didn’t deviate or try to come and help…they just continued on with their business and then after the fact admitted that they heard….Your boy was really heated….I’m like…look I don’t know this b@#ch (excuse me….but that was my mindset) and why is she in my business like this???  Why is she all up in my personal space like that…..she really needs to speed on….Heck…I dunno….I’ll eventually get over it.

There is more to the weekend…but we will get to that later…check this out…I have a facebook account….I actually just signed up for it….Brain has been trying to get me on there for a second….anywho….I finally get an account and I get a message from one of Ronya’s VERY VERY close cousins….she didn’t have any contact number for me so we basically lost touch after the funeral….but she wrote this in a blog that I would love to share with you…these are not my words….but damn if it ain’t how your boy feels….

I often fear that my fears (lol…craziness) are preventing me from pursuing my purpose with the ferver that He has ordained. And these fears cause the slight doubt that causes me to question my path. I may be able to trace these flickers of doubt to my sporadic passion for pursuing Him. Would it be right of me to expect guidance when I am not doing my due diligence? I think I have written more questions than answers. Although I am “caught between heaven and hell” (lol only my south bend church would get that joke) my heart cries out for guidance. Less about my purpose in this life and more for a way to come back to the middle. – J.L. Moore-Diggs

David