808’s and Heartbreaks

Yesterday was a very eventful day for me…it was filled with what I like to call 808’s and heartbreaks (ironically that is the name of Kanye West’s  last CD).  808’s and heartbreaks is a title I use for an emotional day for me.  I guess to keep it simple…it means ups and downs…you know an emotional roller coaster.  I’m telling you…I had a internal battle of epic proportions yesterday.  I told a friend of mine yesterday it was like a spiritual slugfest and the home team was spent at the end of the night.

Sunday was a ginormous (gigantic and enormous) day for #2.  I know…I know…I haven’t talked about #1 and #2 in quite sometime and there is a reason behind that (which I will talk about hopefully sometime in the future).  My church had its annual youth choir concert yesterday and #2 was chosen to render the first selection.  When she told me that…I already knew that it was going to be bad business for me.  When it comes to church and both my children…I am really a big ol softy (in a masculine sort of way…lemme clear that up…lol). Anywho…I got to the concert right before the choir started to march in and #2 was right at the door, so I got the chance to give her a big hug before her moment.

I found me a seat…well it really wasn’t hard because our church seats several hundred people on a given Sunday and I estimate the audience at a few hundred  or so (give or take a hundred…lol).  #1 was with me so he spotted my in-laws and he went to go sit where they were.  As I started to get comfortable in my seat a few people came up to me to speak because I haven’t been at church in a few weeks (that is a topic for another day).  Finally, I get a tap on my shoulder and it is another one of my church family members and she asked me if I need some tissue, because she knows I’m going to boo who.  Which I in turn told her to get them ready.  For those that don’t know…at church I cry (and #1 talked about that yesterday too)…some folks shout…some folks stand…some folks are internal…me when I am moved…I cry. 

We had our devotion period and finally the choir is marching in.  I really can’t spot #2 because of how I am seated, but finally I get a glance of her when they are almost in the choir stand.  It’s maybe 50 youth in the choir. As they are sing their processional song…I’m just kinda chilling…feeling the moment.  Finally they finish (and it was awesome)…and the master of ceremony gets everyone fired up.  They get ready for the first selection and baby girl is making her way to the microphone.  I promise folks…I started crying even BEFORE she touched the mic.  You can tell that she was initially nervous, but her voice radiated through my entire body and I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I thought about Ronya and how she would feel if she was here listening to #2 sing.  I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the edifice because many of them knew our story.  She finished and I had to walk out of the sanctuary to get some fresh air…I was just so emotional.  I didn’t stay for the entire concert…just the first segment of selections because I had to get home and finish a project that was due at midnight…but I was so happy and so sad at the same moment. 

It was funny because as soon as #1 and I got in the car he started to talk about me.  He said the moment  #2 walked towards the mic…everybody turned and looked at me (I didn’t even notice) and he just shook his head because I was crying already…he asked me why.  I simply told him, “Son, that is my baby girl…you are my boy, I cry because I love ya’ll…I cry because ya’ll are a reflection of me…I cry because at that moment I realize that I am doing something right…I cry because I am a PROUD papa.”

All of this got me to thinking about 808’s and heartbreaks.  How do we check our emotions…you know control them in a fashion were as we can still function?  I don’t know if I have the answer to and I actually love 808’s and heartbreak.  It is a double-edged sword.  All sun and no rain makes for a desert.  Be blessed all.